Back to my roots.

In the last few years I have over and over again gone from keeping track of my calories and recording everything I do, to deciding I don't need to do that and just work out hard and eat pretty good. I fail.

It hasn't been horrible, it's been a slow burn. Just getting a little worse day by day. I lose a little, I gain a little, slowly trending up over the last two years. Telling myself it's been primarily because of all the weight training.

But fat is fat. It's there, there's more of it now than there was. If I don't deal with it now I'm going to be back where I started. I am not willing to do that.

I am back on the wagon. I am recording, I am counting, I am quantifying, and now I am writing about it again.

I am floating between 218 and 222 right now. My goal is 180. I am going to hit that goal. I am going to do that by doing what makes sense for me. Part of that has always been writing about it. So I'm back doing it.

Over ayear

I've been clean for almost an entire year now, its been really hard but until about two weeks ago I was doing okay. I am not sure anyone will look at this after a year absent but I am at the edge of beginning the up swing of a yoyo diet and I need to get my head right before I head back to knocking on 300 pounds door. I am out of control. I am eating, I have severe body image issues, I don't want to stop myself, and if I don't fix it right now while I am typing it will never happen. Now to clarify the lowest weight I ever achieved was 193 currently I average 200 with a 5 pound swing, so the physical damage hasn't caught me yet, but it will if I don't change now. So right this second I am committing to do right and to sorting the mess that my head has become on here again.

Fat Wife Part One

Hi, I am the wife of the man who writes this blog. I’d like to say that I am a stranger to what my husband has gone through. And in many ways, I am. I have never been overweight. I have never struggled with inability to turn down food or put food down. And I am not a strong enough person to completely turn my life upside down for a goal while working harder than I have ever worked while denying myself an obsession.

That being said, I have a two part bone to pick, mostly with society. In the theme of this blog, I will refrain from standing on a soap box and instead, simply state my complaints and explain why they affect me or frustrate me.

Part One: Society’s View of Fat

I have a real problem with how society views body image. It’s not a new topic – people have been complaining about it for the last year or two. I don’t know where it began, whether it was Twiggy and the Supermodels that provided a new type of beauty, or the age of Photoshop and the ability to print pictures of impossible standards. Regardless, society went from worshiping a woman’s figure to critiquing it, from praising curves to hiding them. And really, this applies to men too. In the beginning, a person’s physique was much more than a means of physical attraction; it explained your station in life. A full figure was proof of health, wealth, and happiness. The leaner the person, the more it explained about their lack of food, lack of ability to provide or hunt, and their lack of funds. The Italian Renaissance brought artful paintings of people lazing about, eating, always plump. Women had full (but not ridiculous) breasts and curvy waists, large hips and ample thighs. Men had round bellies. This was attractive. Even as late as the 1950’s ads ran for weight GAIN pills for women. “No man wants a skinny woman” they crowed. The same sad, thin, curveless woman they showed then echoes the most famous, most “beautiful” women of today, who’s sallow faces and bony figures are not only how women of today must judge their beauty but the clothing sizes they wear. Even for men, a typical idealistic man has a broad chest, built arms, rock hard abs, and defined legs, with no body fat to be seen. Not at all. And we are told not only is this attractive, this is healthy.

I can’t believe this is fair. When 95% of America is so much larger, why do we have to conform to those numbers? Why do we have to refer to numbers at all? This is another bone I have to pick. Fat has become much more than a look, it is a number. Your BMI, your weight, your clothing size, these determine whether you are fat or not. If you are 190 pounds but you eat right, work out, wear clothing that looks good, no one cares. You should be in this category with these numbers or you are fat. Overweight. Obese. I hate this. I’m a small person. As I said, I have never been overweight. But I have gained weight. I noticed when I when from size 0 to 2. Or from 2 to 5. But providing I change my clothing accordingly, no one else notices. If my clothing fits well, I don’t even notice. But the little voice that chants “0-5” over and over notices. The scale that goes from 110 to 120 notices. The doctors that measure a 4% increase in BMI and warn me how metabolisms fade notice. And those numbers eat into your brain and tell you what a terrible person you are for allowing this.

I used to dance ballet. It was our job to be thin, to maintain a weight. But there was always someone thinner, someone you compared yourself to. And that’s when I learned that fat can be a mindset. That’s how someone as thin as a rail can starve themselves into nothing – because perception is such a large part of the battle. You worry about how people judge your body, but only because you already have and are unhappy with the person in the mirror. I struggled with anorexia because I saw fat everywhere. And no matter how much I lost, I never saw enough difference. I was never as thin as that next girl. I see that same danger in my husband, who stands in the mirror after losing such an incredible amount of weight and still sees nothing but fat, nothing but dissatisfaction in his reflection. Until you drop the comparisons and the numbers and the mindset and focus on being healthy, being fit, and fitting into clothes the way you want to(in your real mind, not in your society set mind), that haunting of fat can drive you insane.

Part two later on.

Things Undone

Ok, the other thing I mentioned a few days ago was about how people give up so often because they can’t look at what they’ve done, only what’s left to do. I think I may be one of the few people out there that reverses this concept. That is to say I believe the sentiment of the statement is that you can look at the ten pounds left to lose as insurmountable forgetting about the 50 you lost to get there. With me I need constant goals, and the second I am done with something I leave it behind and forget about it. So when I run out of goals, like only have a little weight left to lose, I have trouble staying focused because I know there wont be anything left to conquer. The problem with that is that I tend to leave things close but undone. Not because I am discouraged or think that I cant do it, but because I know I can and there is no challenge left in it. Strange I know.

powerless

I have been doing a lot of reading on food addiction, and overeaters anonymous, and there is a certain sentiment that pervades the thought process behind the support groups. The fix for the problem varies from something that looks like a buddy system to putting in the hands of your chosen god, but the core concept they all agree on is that you (the overeater) are completely powerless over your addiction. I don’t know how I feel about that.

I went onto their site several months ago and they have you run down a list of 12 things that you are supposed to answer yes or no if they describe you. When I finished I figured I might be close but must not be an overeater because I only answered yes to 10 of them. Then I read the next paragraph where they say if you answered yes to 3 or more you could likely be an overeater. Imagine my surprise. Though really I should have seen that coming, I know what I am, I know what my weakness is, but I am not now, nor have I ever been comfortable with the idea of being powerless over myself. I know I can’t control anything outside of myself, but I will not let myself get out of control.

What sucks about this situation is that I analyze what my mind set is throughout, and it occurs to me that I would be the first to say “I can stop eating whenever I want.” Which sounds an awful lot like the redirect of an addict in denial, but the truth is (ask my wife) that I am well aware of my lack of ability to stop eating something once I start. There is an OCD left over  in me that will not be satisfied if I leave a container of food unfinished. As I sit here writing this I can not stop thinking about the piece of pizza left in the box downstairs. I don’t want to eat it mind you, I am full, but I cant stop thinking about it. Crazy right? But that’s how it is with me. You give me a back of sour patch kids and I will eat till my tongue is torn up from the sugar, and then keep going until that bag is empty because if I don’t it will be all I think about until it is gone, even if I don’t want it.

That all sounds like I am powerless right? Well maybe, but I don’t believe that, if I did I would just keep eating and not fight it. I’m not saying I don’t draw strength from other people or my faith, but I like to take an active role in my life too. So I try to only by things in serving sizes that fit in my consumption requirements. Or get the kind of thing that I can’t it enough of to break down those goals. It makes things harder, but I am not going to let some obsession condemn me. I wont refuse help or deny the need for it, but neither will I just say I can’t do it, and let someone else pull me out of my problems.

note to myself

This is basically just a note to myself because there are two things I want to remember to write about. The first is the idea I see popping up on a lot of weight loss centered web sites, and that is to do with food addiction, and primarily the idea that you are powerless to stop and that you need to recognize that. I am not sure if I agree with that yet or not, I think it depends on the day you ask me, but I want to focus in on it a bit more in the next day or two. The second is a quote I read “the number 1 reason people give up so fast is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go. Instead of how far they have gotten.” This is what nearly derailed me 100 times over the last year, and still pains me today. Ok, I’ve got my note, I talk about it later.

another book thing

Ok, so another line from a new book stuck out. I don’t think I’d call it literature, but it’s definitely above the scholastic level.  Anyway the line went like this “I knew 100 men who’d be millionaires if they’d stop doing what they thought they wanted to do, and start doing what they were supposed to do.” Again my brain found this a great place to start off and spiral down into a life questioning quest that would of course have no tangible conclusion.

It makes me consider a lot of the conflict that has come up in my after college life. Primarily the fact that I am no longer doing what I went to college to do. Primarily because it’s nearly impossible to handle the debt, live, and provide a life in that field. At least that’s what I often tell people when they ask. Dig a little deeper into my thought process and you’ll quickly find out that I can spin a great tale of all the cool stuff I did in my degreed field, but if you keep asking you’ll learn I didn’t really enjoy it. I tried so hard to love it, and there is part of me that still enjoys make the odd video from time to time, but the drive to do it is forced. I found the job…. Well… boring. It wasn’t challenging, it wasn’t like you learned a lot, or it gave me any sort of drive.  The truth was I tried again and again to get the bug, to want it, but it just never drove me, I had to force the enthusiasm, so I knew it would never stick. What I liked about it was making something, and then being able to see people enjoy it, and that all went away after school. After you’re out of academia its all unions and rates, which is boring.

The second job I had was no better, that sort of forced sale has no business in my life. I do believe I cold be a great salesman and even enjoy selling, but I have requirements for that to be the case. Mainly that I believe in what I am selling the person. Ask my bosses at bestbuy when I was in school, if I thought it was something cool I sold it, a ton of it, but try to get me to sell something I didn’t have interest in or didn’t think was worth the money and I couldn’t move it to save my life. I would love to see the sales numbers for skullcandy headphones the year I spent at that store.

I’m not positive I am where I am supposed to be just yet, but I am closer and working hard not to settle. I do firmly believe there is somewhere I am supposed to be, and something I am meant to do. The problem is I also believe that people go their entire lives without finding those things, and I get paralyzed by fear from time to time thinking that I am going to end up that person. I don’t know that I am brave enough, bold enough, or have enough faith to step out when the opportunity shows itself. I worry, a lot, and it keeps me from taking the risks I know I need to. When I used to spar in competitions there is something that any fighter who wants to win understands, if you want to win you’re eventually going to have to take a few hits to get the opening you need to win. I think I have gotten to scared of taking those hits, but I want to fight again.