7/11

I like reading books, well actually that’s not completely true. I don’t think I’ve read a book in, oh I don’t know, 6 years ish, but I do love listening to books. In the last 6 years I have listened to hundreds, and something that popped up in the latest one really got me thinking. I would love to tell you the title, but as I have been binging on scifi nonsense the last few months, I think my intellect would come into question if I did that. However, I firmly believe insight can come from anywhere, even a book that can best be described with the word scholastic. Anyway there was a line in the book that stood out to me. I don’t remember the context, and it was never elaborated on, but it stuck out in my mind.

I wont try to get the line perfect but I think I can convey the sentiment well enough. Basically the protagonist was lamenting the fact that the vast majority of people have almost no goal aside from amassing money, and once they get it, getting more or holding onto it, and he couldn’t understand why anyone would spend so much of their time and effort of something that meant nothing, had no real value, and would leave no mark on the world.

There is a good reason that line stuck out to me. The people he was so sickened with include me. It pains me to say it, but I am obsessed with money. I have a mountain of student loan debt, I have hospital bills, and am about to gain many more from the birth of my second child, I don’t live where I want to, I don’t have the stuff I want to, I can’t give the things I want to give to me kids and wife. Spelling it out like that doesn’t make me feel very good about myself and what I’ve become. I worry over every dollar and cent, growing frustrated and creating conflict within my family, losing sleep, losing my mind from time to time all over numbers in my bank account. I realized that this is what life has become to me. I don’t live for… I don’t know, because all that I am focused on is what I am adding and subtracting from my account every day. It’s not really of question of if I’m missing things, but really of how much I am missing, how many moments I have prevented from sharing with my wife and kid because I am focused on money.

I do it all in the name of giving my kids and wife a life I think they’ll like, but what am I really giving them? Now don’t get me wrong I think that putting things on hold and providing for your family is noble and it is what anyone who loved their family would do. There is nothing wrong in my mind with giving up a lot to give your family the best you can. The problem is I don’t think that’s what I’ve done. I think I am hiding behind the idea of being selfless. I think I am afraid of the level of work and commitment it will take to be not only the guy who goes out and brings back some cash for my family.

If my only job was to provide for my family in the fiscal sense than I am little more than welfare, and what am I really giving my kids? An angry, frustrated and burnt out man who is constantly preoccupied with money and stuff? I think I have used my responsibilities as a husband and father as an excuse to give up on the more difficult aspects of my life. I have abounded my hobbies, I have less than an handful of friends, I’m a train wreck spiritually, and while I still love my wife and child deeply my passion for life is almost non-existent.

What am I really providing my family at this point? Sure I put a roof over our heads and keep food on the table, but I should and could do so much more. Why would my child ever pursue a hobby or hone a talent if they never saw me show so much as passing interest in anything? Why go after anything with determination and passion if I never show that passion? The truth is that I am gained my perfectionism and my passion from watching my parents, and I have let my life beat it out of me. I have let self-pity at the financial situation higher education has left me in stomp the fun out of me. I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t know how to get the passion back into my life, but I know that I am not willing to only provide half a father and husband to my family, so no matter how hard this is I am just going to have to work till I get it right.