It’s been a long time since I have posted on this, and that is due to a variety of reasons. First and foremost the fact that I have been insanely busy with a move from Florida to Ohio, second, because things have been going pretty well, and most of what I wanted to say had been said. However, I find myself running into several issues lately that I am not sure how to deal with, the first being the near derailment of this entire thing, the second being a set of problems I have no knowledge of how to deal with because I have never been in a position to deal with them before.
Let’s address the first problem. In the last 6 weeks my eating habits have been thrown into complete disarray. Starting with getting ready for the move north. When we started in earnest we stopped buying extra food to keep around the house and if we didn’t feel like going shopping and cooking we would just get something simple. Things like single serving thai noodles and frozen dinners. Nothing that would in fact be in opposition to my calorie goals, but things like that tend to be easy, taste decent, and have a few more calories than anything you can cook. So it through everything out of wack and my overall caloric intake increased. Which is probably not a bad thing, i was eating far to little for a while there, but I felt myself starting to swing the other direction. The problem then being further exaggerated by the 3 day drive, laden with sugary drinks, gold fish, and fast food. Truth be told I could have made a point to eat better stuff, but it takes up more time to eat a salad than to grab a burger, or a chicken taco.
So what happened? I think i missed my goals maybe twice, and not by more than a few hundred calories. I think what was getting to me far more was the lack of my exercise routine. I had it down, I always did it, and I enjoyed it. The move took away several days of that, and when we got up north the cold made it hard to run as far as i needed to. The biggest problem was how much easier it was to eat fast and not work out. I am back into some semblance of a rhythm or getting close anyway, but those weeks have exposed something in me that is far more of a potential problem.
I think there is a great chance that without some close monitoring I could develop an eating disorder. It started like this, when I started eating some of the greasier and richer foods that I hadnt had in about 6 months they made me throw up from time to time, pizza is something I can barely keep down for example. The problem is that I started to really like the idea of being able to eat whatever I wanted and still keep all the weight off that I worked so hard to get off. The more times I got sick, the more appealing the idea of just eating a little extra and throwing it up got to me. It stems from two things. The first thing is that I love food, bad food especially as I have stated numerous times, the second is that the way I look at myself in the mirror hasn’t been changing nearly as fast as my body.
I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I haven’t changed at all in the self confidence department, but it’s not great. The best way I can explain this is by giving an example. I have lost almost 100 pounds, and when I look in the mirror about 25% of the time I think, wow you really have accomplished something here. 75% of the time I see a fat sack of crap who cant finish what he starts and might as well eat himself silly because it’s all pointless anyway. (this is really how my brain works.)
So, what I did was tell my wife. Because I know my own history. I hide things, I keep them secret, it used to be my eating, and when I thought about it I knew that without outside intervention It was only a matter of time before I was bulimic because every day I was breaking down the wall in my brain that said that vomiting on purpose was not acceptable. I knew I would eventually do it because of all the other things I have at one point decided there was no way I was going to do and with enough time and thought justified. Like eating a double cheeseburger and McChicken on the way home and then eating dinner too. So basically Kaje deals with me asking her constantly if what I am doing is worth it and keeps me honest. You’ve gotta have someone to keep you honest, thanks Kaje.
