I just passed my one year anniversary of deciding to not to be fat. It passed quietly. I didn’t let anyone know when it was, or make a big deal out. That might have a lot to do with not realizing it till about a week after, but when I look back it seems like it has been far longer than a year. I have been maintaining weight rather than losing for a few months now, and I am realizing something about myself I was really hoping would change with time. Turns out it’s just part of me.

 I am a fat man. I may be nearly 100 pounds lighter than a year back, but it doesn’t change who I am. I want nothing more than to eat and drink everything bad for me. I still love candy, preferable if I can eat it until I’m sick, then have a little more. I prefer sugar, soda, and anything with a surplus of carbohydrates. I don’t think that will ever change. I still monitor every calorie. A few months back I stopped for a while and as it turns out I am not responsible enough to manage that. I’ll lie to myself. I still make an attempt to lie anytime I can. Ignoring a calorie here and there, going as far as to just guess at the caloric intake on some things rather than looking it up. It’s a real problem. I wish food didn’t consume so much of my thought process.

 I don’t know how to deal with it honestly. It feels like an addiction, and from what I’ve read there are people out there that would undoubtedly classify me as a food addict. Let me lay it out for you, this is how my food consumption process always goes. I can usually finish my breakfast without any issues, but after that a battle starts up in my head. I resist snacking of any kind, and the hours pass and its no problem to not eat. That is until I eat. When lunch rolls around, or if I happen to not be thinking and just grab a pretzel, then the flood gates are open. I tell myself not to get up and get another, I get one at a time assuring myself it is the only one I will eat, all six times I pick one up. Once a get a take one bite, it is nearly impossible for me to stop eating until whatever it is, is completely consumed. That’s why I always try to purchase single meal items even though its cheaper to buy bulk. If I don’t by single meals though I am tempted to keep eating, and that is a war I almost never win. I haven’t given in, I haven’t gained any of it back, I haven’t yoyo’d and I am going to work harder than ever to keep that from happening.

One year down. Lots to go.