Last Saturday at some point during the day I decided I wanted to run a marathon on Sunday. Anyone who has ever run anything over a 10k can probably understand how ill advised that was given the fact that I hadn't run more than 2 or 3 miles at once in about a year, minus the spartan run, but that is a completely different thing, I don't know why it just is. So yeah, I get a wild hair about running 26ish miles and wake up Sunday, fill a camel back with some food, Water, MCT oil, Maltodextrin powder, BCAAs and various other capital letters and compounds, stretch, and just go for it.
You can see from the pic above my times we're not great in the first half of my run, *Spoiler* it didn't get better. So Given my various problems, recovering from an ankle problem and a long term knee issue, I was taking it slow and steady from the start, trying for 10ish minute miles, playing the long game. That actually worked out really well through the first 9 miles, then my KT tape came off. Whether or now KT tape works the wonders people attribute to it, it is pretty solid for stabilization for my particular flavor of runners knee. Basically my knee typically develops a wobble around the 3 mile mark, and by mile 4 the tendons are so inflamed it becomes almost impossible to maintain a running stride. This was hugely frustrating when it happened, because back then I was averaging 7 miles a day. That injury caused me to gain back some weight and nearly derailed all my work. It also lead me straight to the type of fitness programs I do now, and that I have grown to love so much, so I'm not that bitter anymore, just a little bitter.
All "athletes", and I am going to be referring myself as one even if I don't always look like one, have something they define themselves with. For some it's squatting heavy, for many it's bench, for me for a long time it was the ability to put close to 100 miles on my feet a week, turn around and do again week over week, no excuses, no gaps it was a point of pride, not with anyone else but with me. I knew that I was overcoming all those voices that kept telling me to sit down, sleep in, and take the day off. That's powerful, finding that pride in yourself, it's a way to build strong habits that carry you through those times that motivation just isn't available, and often when you reach for motivation you're going to find it missing. So having that bit of ego and pride in yourself isn't a bad thing. It almost killed me then because I didn't know who I was after I lost the ability to run.
For awhile I biked 30ish miles every morning, but winter, rain, and a whole bunch of other factors eventually made that difficult, and I can not do the stationary bike for an 1 and half, my brain breaks. So eventually I found my way to HIIT training and then into Crossfit. Now crossfit is something I came to enjoy very quickly. The particular gym I follow is very careful about how they write workouts, always with a goal in mind, so the workouts are varied, but not directionless, which I think is the biggest pitfall of crossfit.
Ok, I am seriously wondering, but it ties in so bare with me we're heading back on track. So, how do I define myself athletically within the crossfit space? I strive to be relentless. I love collapsing after a workout. I love the feeling of knowing that I pushed my endurance right up to the red line and left it there. There is very little worse than leaving the gym knowing I went at something with anything less than everything I had. I also like crossfit because it allows me to find all my weaknesses. The wide range of workouts lets me know pretty quick what I suck at. Then you have to have the mindset of attacking that thing. If I see a movement come up two or three times and each time I think "yuck, this is going to suck" I know what movement I need to work on (*cough squats*cough rowing*cough anything with a stupid sled*). I realized about 2 months back that anytime I saw a run over 800m I was just bummed. Distance running, something that used to be therapy to me had become something I dreaded. I had let a strength become a weakness. That is a crappy thing to do to yourself. I already put in the work to make that something I was good at, then I just let it become a weakness. I was pissed.
So I had been increasing my running, and found something pretty interesting. Running distance was not hard. By that I mean it was not taxing on my conditioning. I wasn't getting short of breath, in fact at a slower distance focused pace my heart rate wasn't even getting that high. So this crazy conditioning seemed to transfer to endurance running pretty well, which was nice. What I seemed to have lost was the mental toughness to make it any appreciable distance. I would just keep talking myself out of the run.
I would be 2 or 3 miles in, then convince myself my knee was a problem, or my feet hurt, or my shoulder, or my hip, or sometimes I'd just stop. My body was fine, my brain wasn't able to hold focus. So all of this lead up to last Saturday. This wasn't about trying to get a good time, it was about whether or not I was mentally strong enough. Another spoiler, I didn't get a full 26.2, only made it 21 before my knee was having no more of it.
So circling back to somewhere up there^ around mile 9 I lost the KT tape and all the knee support (if anyone knows something good for runners knee please contact me) and the knee started to wobble. I had done some pretty extensive research and practice to try and correct my striking and stride to help stabilize, but but mile 10 my knee was locking out completely. Thus began the horrible process of walking out my knee for a few minutes, stretching, then jogging till it locked out again. I wanted to quit immediately. I hate that feeling, but I had challenged myself, not on the grounds of physical fitness but on whether or not I had the mind to do it. If I lack the strength, oh well, if I lack the will, well, that's something that keeps me up at night. So I went on. The 13.9 mark was my dads farm. I stopped in used the bathroom, stole a pack of peanut M and Ms and reapplied the baby powder (it was mostly effective). Then I sat down and started to stretch.
This is when I also started to do my best to convince myself I needed to stop. Not that I wanted to, but that I should. Gave myself all kinds of reasons, some good, most focused around my knee. I think I was there 10 or 15 minutes, before I found myself walking out and heading back down the road. I do mean found myself. I was still trying to find a way to keep myself in that office till my wife could come get me, when my legs picked me up and took me back down the road. Thus began a very 2 sided argument that lasted till my wife picked me up.
See at this point I was a little loopy. I had a large amount of pain coming from my knee, I was exhausted, and I just really didn't want be out there. I knew my wife wouldn't care, she'd know that I did a half marathon on a whim, and she always finds me super impressive anyway..... really... she does.......:(.... but she wasn't going to care that I quit. No one else really knew what I was up to, so they weren't going to care. So what kept me rolling? No matter what I said to myself a little voice in my head kept whispering back "you'll know", the more desperate my arguments got the louder that voice got. "You'll know, move, keep moving, you'll know" So I kept going, got loopier, started talking out loud, but I kept moving my feet. I know that some people put marathons away like it's nothing, but I am 200 pounds and it wears on you.
I am still not sure about when I stopped. I am pretty proud of 21 miles, but I wonder if I could have pushed through for the other 5.2. I think I could have done it. I also think at that point I was seriously risking injury. It's hard to be objective when you're that tired, but my right leg was getting hard to bend, and even my walk was developing a serious limp. So I think I did the smart thing, but I am going to get those 5.2. I am going to find a way to heal this knee and I am going to run that thing unbroken.
That little voice in my head "you'll know" is something I think we all need to cultivate. It's the will to get out of bed every morning when you really dont want to, its the drive to pick the bar back up when every muscle in you body is on fire and you just gotta have one more thruster, that little voice is the difference between feeling pretty good about getting a workout in and basking in the glory of knowing you pulled everything out of yourself you could, and that's good feeling. Pursing that on a regular basis is something worth doing.
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