note to myself

This is basically just a note to myself because there are two things I want to remember to write about. The first is the idea I see popping up on a lot of weight loss centered web sites, and that is to do with food addiction, and primarily the idea that you are powerless to stop and that you need to recognize that. I am not sure if I agree with that yet or not, I think it depends on the day you ask me, but I want to focus in on it a bit more in the next day or two. The second is a quote I read “the number 1 reason people give up so fast is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go. Instead of how far they have gotten.” This is what nearly derailed me 100 times over the last year, and still pains me today. Ok, I’ve got my note, I talk about it later.

another book thing

Ok, so another line from a new book stuck out. I don’t think I’d call it literature, but it’s definitely above the scholastic level.  Anyway the line went like this “I knew 100 men who’d be millionaires if they’d stop doing what they thought they wanted to do, and start doing what they were supposed to do.” Again my brain found this a great place to start off and spiral down into a life questioning quest that would of course have no tangible conclusion.

It makes me consider a lot of the conflict that has come up in my after college life. Primarily the fact that I am no longer doing what I went to college to do. Primarily because it’s nearly impossible to handle the debt, live, and provide a life in that field. At least that’s what I often tell people when they ask. Dig a little deeper into my thought process and you’ll quickly find out that I can spin a great tale of all the cool stuff I did in my degreed field, but if you keep asking you’ll learn I didn’t really enjoy it. I tried so hard to love it, and there is part of me that still enjoys make the odd video from time to time, but the drive to do it is forced. I found the job…. Well… boring. It wasn’t challenging, it wasn’t like you learned a lot, or it gave me any sort of drive.  The truth was I tried again and again to get the bug, to want it, but it just never drove me, I had to force the enthusiasm, so I knew it would never stick. What I liked about it was making something, and then being able to see people enjoy it, and that all went away after school. After you’re out of academia its all unions and rates, which is boring.

The second job I had was no better, that sort of forced sale has no business in my life. I do believe I cold be a great salesman and even enjoy selling, but I have requirements for that to be the case. Mainly that I believe in what I am selling the person. Ask my bosses at bestbuy when I was in school, if I thought it was something cool I sold it, a ton of it, but try to get me to sell something I didn’t have interest in or didn’t think was worth the money and I couldn’t move it to save my life. I would love to see the sales numbers for skullcandy headphones the year I spent at that store.

I’m not positive I am where I am supposed to be just yet, but I am closer and working hard not to settle. I do firmly believe there is somewhere I am supposed to be, and something I am meant to do. The problem is I also believe that people go their entire lives without finding those things, and I get paralyzed by fear from time to time thinking that I am going to end up that person. I don’t know that I am brave enough, bold enough, or have enough faith to step out when the opportunity shows itself. I worry, a lot, and it keeps me from taking the risks I know I need to. When I used to spar in competitions there is something that any fighter who wants to win understands, if you want to win you’re eventually going to have to take a few hits to get the opening you need to win. I think I have gotten to scared of taking those hits, but I want to fight again.

7/11

I like reading books, well actually that’s not completely true. I don’t think I’ve read a book in, oh I don’t know, 6 years ish, but I do love listening to books. In the last 6 years I have listened to hundreds, and something that popped up in the latest one really got me thinking. I would love to tell you the title, but as I have been binging on scifi nonsense the last few months, I think my intellect would come into question if I did that. However, I firmly believe insight can come from anywhere, even a book that can best be described with the word scholastic. Anyway there was a line in the book that stood out to me. I don’t remember the context, and it was never elaborated on, but it stuck out in my mind.

I wont try to get the line perfect but I think I can convey the sentiment well enough. Basically the protagonist was lamenting the fact that the vast majority of people have almost no goal aside from amassing money, and once they get it, getting more or holding onto it, and he couldn’t understand why anyone would spend so much of their time and effort of something that meant nothing, had no real value, and would leave no mark on the world.

There is a good reason that line stuck out to me. The people he was so sickened with include me. It pains me to say it, but I am obsessed with money. I have a mountain of student loan debt, I have hospital bills, and am about to gain many more from the birth of my second child, I don’t live where I want to, I don’t have the stuff I want to, I can’t give the things I want to give to me kids and wife. Spelling it out like that doesn’t make me feel very good about myself and what I’ve become. I worry over every dollar and cent, growing frustrated and creating conflict within my family, losing sleep, losing my mind from time to time all over numbers in my bank account. I realized that this is what life has become to me. I don’t live for… I don’t know, because all that I am focused on is what I am adding and subtracting from my account every day. It’s not really of question of if I’m missing things, but really of how much I am missing, how many moments I have prevented from sharing with my wife and kid because I am focused on money.

I do it all in the name of giving my kids and wife a life I think they’ll like, but what am I really giving them? Now don’t get me wrong I think that putting things on hold and providing for your family is noble and it is what anyone who loved their family would do. There is nothing wrong in my mind with giving up a lot to give your family the best you can. The problem is I don’t think that’s what I’ve done. I think I am hiding behind the idea of being selfless. I think I am afraid of the level of work and commitment it will take to be not only the guy who goes out and brings back some cash for my family.

If my only job was to provide for my family in the fiscal sense than I am little more than welfare, and what am I really giving my kids? An angry, frustrated and burnt out man who is constantly preoccupied with money and stuff? I think I have used my responsibilities as a husband and father as an excuse to give up on the more difficult aspects of my life. I have abounded my hobbies, I have less than an handful of friends, I’m a train wreck spiritually, and while I still love my wife and child deeply my passion for life is almost non-existent.

What am I really providing my family at this point? Sure I put a roof over our heads and keep food on the table, but I should and could do so much more. Why would my child ever pursue a hobby or hone a talent if they never saw me show so much as passing interest in anything? Why go after anything with determination and passion if I never show that passion? The truth is that I am gained my perfectionism and my passion from watching my parents, and I have let my life beat it out of me. I have let self-pity at the financial situation higher education has left me in stomp the fun out of me. I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t know how to get the passion back into my life, but I know that I am not willing to only provide half a father and husband to my family, so no matter how hard this is I am just going to have to work till I get it right.

dumbbell deal.

My wife snagged an awesome gift for me yesterday in the form of blocks of iron. She managed to get a pair of 50lbs dumb bells for 5 bucks! That is truly nuts considering those retail for around 100 and I paid 15 for my 20s. I am only going to be able to use them for chest and back stuff for now, but how sweet is that.

I have extended my streak to four days, lets see if I can make it stick for the rest of my life shall we.?

Giving back.

So i've been thinking about this for a long time, and what I want to do next is to help people who want to lose weight. I can't make anybody do anything and wouldnt try to, but I would love to supply some tools and some info. So if anyone wants to see if we can make something happen I would love to talk to you, show you what I did, give you any info you want ect... I dont know if I can help, I don't know if I can make the difference, I tend to believe its up to each person to make that choice, but i could be a helpful research tool.

I just passed my one year anniversary of deciding to not to be fat. It passed quietly. I didn’t let anyone know when it was, or make a big deal out. That might have a lot to do with not realizing it till about a week after, but when I look back it seems like it has been far longer than a year. I have been maintaining weight rather than losing for a few months now, and I am realizing something about myself I was really hoping would change with time. Turns out it’s just part of me.

 I am a fat man. I may be nearly 100 pounds lighter than a year back, but it doesn’t change who I am. I want nothing more than to eat and drink everything bad for me. I still love candy, preferable if I can eat it until I’m sick, then have a little more. I prefer sugar, soda, and anything with a surplus of carbohydrates. I don’t think that will ever change. I still monitor every calorie. A few months back I stopped for a while and as it turns out I am not responsible enough to manage that. I’ll lie to myself. I still make an attempt to lie anytime I can. Ignoring a calorie here and there, going as far as to just guess at the caloric intake on some things rather than looking it up. It’s a real problem. I wish food didn’t consume so much of my thought process.

 I don’t know how to deal with it honestly. It feels like an addiction, and from what I’ve read there are people out there that would undoubtedly classify me as a food addict. Let me lay it out for you, this is how my food consumption process always goes. I can usually finish my breakfast without any issues, but after that a battle starts up in my head. I resist snacking of any kind, and the hours pass and its no problem to not eat. That is until I eat. When lunch rolls around, or if I happen to not be thinking and just grab a pretzel, then the flood gates are open. I tell myself not to get up and get another, I get one at a time assuring myself it is the only one I will eat, all six times I pick one up. Once a get a take one bite, it is nearly impossible for me to stop eating until whatever it is, is completely consumed. That’s why I always try to purchase single meal items even though its cheaper to buy bulk. If I don’t by single meals though I am tempted to keep eating, and that is a war I almost never win. I haven’t given in, I haven’t gained any of it back, I haven’t yoyo’d and I am going to work harder than ever to keep that from happening.

One year down. Lots to go.

The Wagon.

It’s been a long time since I have posted on this, and that is due to a variety of reasons. First and foremost the fact that I have been insanely busy with a move from Florida to Ohio, second, because things have been going pretty well, and most of what I wanted to say had been said. However, I find myself running into several issues lately that I am not sure how to deal with, the first being the near derailment of this entire thing, the second being a set of problems I have no knowledge of how to deal with because I have never been in a position to deal with them before.

Let’s address the first problem. In the last 6 weeks my eating habits have been thrown into complete disarray. Starting with getting ready for the move north. When we started in earnest we stopped buying extra food to keep around the house and if we didn’t feel like going shopping and cooking we would just get something simple. Things like single serving thai noodles and frozen dinners. Nothing that would in fact be in opposition to my calorie goals, but things like that tend to be easy, taste decent, and have a few more calories than anything you can cook. So it through everything out of wack and my overall caloric intake increased. Which is probably not a bad thing, i was eating far to little for a while there, but I felt myself starting to swing the other direction. The problem then being further exaggerated by the 3 day drive, laden with sugary drinks, gold fish, and fast food. Truth be told I could have made a point to eat better stuff, but it takes up more time to eat a salad than to grab a burger, or a chicken taco.

So what happened? I think i missed my goals maybe twice, and not by more than a few hundred calories. I think what was getting to me far more was the lack of my exercise routine. I had it down, I always did it, and I enjoyed it. The move took away several days of that, and when we got up north the cold made it hard to run as far as i needed to. The biggest problem was how much easier it was to eat fast and not work out. I am back into some semblance of a rhythm or getting close anyway, but those weeks have exposed something in me that is far more of a potential problem.

I think there is a great chance that without some close monitoring I could develop an eating disorder. It started like this, when I started eating some of the greasier and richer foods that I hadnt had in about 6 months they made me throw up from time to time, pizza is something I can barely keep down for example. The problem is that I started to really like the idea of being able to eat whatever I wanted and still keep all the weight off that I worked so hard to get off. The more times I got sick, the more appealing the idea of just eating a little extra and throwing it up got to me. It stems from two things. The first thing is that I love food, bad food especially as I have stated numerous times, the second is that the way I look at myself in the mirror hasn’t been changing nearly as fast as my body.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I haven’t changed at all in the self confidence department, but it’s not great. The best way I can explain this is by giving an example. I have lost almost 100 pounds, and when I look in the mirror about 25% of the time I think, wow you really have accomplished something here. 75% of the time I see a fat sack of crap who cant finish what he starts and might as well eat himself silly because it’s all pointless anyway. (this is really how my brain works.)
So, what I did was tell my wife. Because I know my own history. I hide things, I keep them secret, it used to be my eating, and when I thought about it I knew that without outside intervention It was only a matter of time before I was bulimic because every day I was breaking down the wall in my brain that said that vomiting on purpose was not acceptable. I knew I would eventually do it because of all the other things I have at one point decided there was no way I was going to do and with enough time and thought justified. Like eating a double cheeseburger and McChicken on the way home and then eating dinner too. So basically Kaje deals with me asking her constantly if what I am doing is worth it and keeps me honest. You’ve gotta have someone to keep you honest, thanks Kaje.