I am not sure how best to get into this, but the best way to ensure I don’t make a life change is to tell me to make it. Tell me to eat healthy, give me advice on how to lose weight, tell me to use a particular program and my natural reaction is to tell you to stick and do the opposite out of spite. It does not matter how devastating to me not taking the advice just the offering is enough to get my hackles up and have me ready to prove you wrong. Lest I sound to stupid, I don’t have this reaction to everyone that tells me what I should be doing, mainly the people I see as pretentious, people I think have no business messing with my life, and people I believe are being hypocritical. And being the violent cynic that I am, that encompasses a lot of people.
I think the reaction comes out most strongly when I believe someone is judging me. There are certain friends I used to have that would scoff or give me a certain look if I ordered a soda instead of a water. This did not make me want to order water, it made me want to kick in their door and force feed them two liters of mountain dew until they threw up (this is that overreaction I was talking about). It ties in with another glaring flaw of anger I have, but more on that later. Besides the angry reaction, if they acted like that you better believe I was not going to be caught dead drinking anything remotely healthy in front of that person again. No way was I going to let them think they had some sort of positive effect on me… This is incredibly stupid logic.
When you really stop to think about my reaction what is apparent from the outside looking in, is that they certainly did affect me, I let them force me into even worse behavior. When a person would tell me I should stop eating fast food, or drinking soda, or eat more fruit, all I could think of is that I was certainly not going to do it on their suggestion.
This knee jerk stupidity very nearly derailed my efforts to change my life. About two weeks in to working my butt off I went to the doctor to get some issues I’d been having checked out. I had been getting nausea frequently, dizziness, vomiting at least twice a day. It was a real problem. However, this twig of a man doctor wouldn’t shut up about organic foods like I’d never heard of them, and spoke of grilled skinless chicken like it was a closely held skinny idiot secret. He asked me how long I’d been struggling with morbid obesity and patted my shoulder while starring at me like I was a misguided kid. I don't think I have ever felt so humiliated. He then suggested I use myfitnesspal a program I had been using for two weeks already. Him mentioning it nearly put an end to everything. If I changed my life I was going to change it my way, no way was this self righteous jerk going to take credit for my hard work. That’s right, the fact that he mentioned it made me believe on some level if I really made changes he would claim he was what changed me life. I was committed to quitting the bike rides and controlled eating when I left, I got so mad it made me dizzy. It took every scrap of self control not to just quit everything, I am getting angry right now reliving it. It was humiliating, the guy couldn’t have been 4 years older than me.
I still have this reaction. I have had people who suggested I lose weight tell me they’re glad I finally took their advice, and it is with the barest margin of self control that I don’t just throw it all away just to deny them the satisfaction of thinking they changed me. The truth is the only thing that got me fat was me, and the only thing that can lose the weight is me, and if I don’t keep telling myself that I am going to stop and fill up like the Good Year blimp, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t make me furious when people take credit for my hard work. No one stepped up and said sorry for making you fat.
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