24.

Something I have been thinking about a lot lately is the man I would’ve been. The kind of person I was on the path to becoming before things took a turn. It’s a topic I often hear about from my family, namely when the refer to me being like the old Rob. The old Rob being the one who never experienced the anger, depression, or sadness of losing a friend. The one without the weight of debt, insecurities, and general lack of confidence. I have invested a lot of time into trying to figure out what that kid would’ve have grown into, and the conclusion I think I’ve come to is that he would’ve been a very pleasant young man, but he wouldn’t be me.

Before I was jaded I was a much friendlier sort of person. The kind of person that made eye contact with everyone, the kind of guy that always used your first name and gathered up friends like grain. I was up for anything with anyone at anytime, which is so very far from how I am now. I think if I had continued on that path I would be surrounded by a veritable hoard of friends, constantly in contact with all of them, and there is a very real part of me that regrets not becoming that person. However, I’m not sure I would ever had developed the extremely close relationships I share with those few friends I have now. I don’t know if being everyone friend would be better than having a few friends that I know without question will always be there for me.

I think I would’ve been a person who had a lot of convictions, without really fully understand them. That may not have been the case, but that’s how I was before. I knew all sorts of things about life and the way a person should live without ever really exploring why I “knew” them. I knew that certain things and people were bad and wrong without ever taking the time to understand their problems or life. I don’t think I would like being that sort of person. I may not radiate the warmth I used to, but I do make a genuine effort to understand why people are the way they are, and even when I truly can’t stand someone I do not wish or want to see that person fail or suffer. This still confounds me, because in the not too distant past I wished all kinds of bad things on the people who I hated, but as I continue to change I may not want someone involved in my life, but I still hope they can be happy in their own (so long as it doesn’t involve me). I don’t know if I would have kept my holier than though attitude of my youth, I want to believe I would’ve become empathetic, but I don’t know.

I think what I really want to do by looking at who I was is find ways of bringing the best parts of that person back into who I am now. I want to find a way to let go of that instant suspicion I have for everyone I meet, I want to have that infectious good nature and humor I once did. I find it coming out from time to time and it makes me feel great. I want to be able to walk into a room of people I barely know and make everyone comfortable with me, rather than be the guy that hides at the edges and rarely falls into an awkward conversation only to bolt at the earliest opening. I was never that person in my past, but over the years I have built this shell up so thick I get tongue tide and strange to the point of absurdity when I am with a group of people. Or what’s worse is the trend that has been getting stronger and stronger where people see me looking around and actually get freaked out. Apparently I often look like I am about to break with my sanity and start throwing haymakers at anything that moves when I am in crowd of people.

The truth is far less edgy. I am honestly extremely nervous about making myself look like an idiot. Maybe I do this by dropping a joke that bombs, spinning some fish tale that gets so out of hand no one could possibly believe it, or in recent years just believe that everyone was starring at my shirts and jeans that were obviously to tight for my bulk. I want that easy comfort and confidence I had before I built up such a hatred for the world at large.

I have been trying on that old smile lately. At first I think it was more of a twisted facsimile than the genuine article, but with my little baby at home I think she has reached in and drawn it out. That in combination with the confidence and comfort I am starting to feel in my own skin have let me get some shadow of the former thing back.