So it’s been awhile since I wrote a good post. I have been very busy and it’s been hard to knock out the kind of time I need to really sit down and think about some things. However, I am now getting close to my goals and it brings up an interesting problem for me. You see part of what makes losing weight bearable for me, even though I hate every step, is the satisfaction of watching the numbers drop from the scale, and the inches from my waste. Hopefully soon there wont be anymore inches or pounds to drop, but it creates an interesting problem for a person like me.
I am obsessive compulsive. I talked earlier about how I was probably diagnosable when I was younger, but it has evened out with age, but it has by no means vanished. I think that is a big part of what has allowed me to make this happen. When I can turn that focus onto something positive I can get just about anything done, and done fast, unfortunately it tends to be focused on minutia, or negative things. So when I get to the light at the end of the tunnel I am faced with a interesting problem. The only reward for my efforts will be remaining the same…
There are basically three possible outcomes when I hit that mark. I increase my calorie intake to normal weight maintaining levels, continue to run, continue to work out, and live the rest of my life healthy. I may yo yo up and down, letting my weight have huge 40 and 50 pound swings for the foreseeable future. Or I get so stuck on the idea of limiting calorie intake, I put the blinders on and never get satisfied with the person I see in the mirror, and take it too far. I would like to sit here and say that I will even out as I hit my goal weight and live happily ever after, and that is what I am working for. However, it is in my nature to do things like the third options. I have a long history of taking things way too far. The simple act of writing this out, much like the rest of the blog, is part of my strategy to avoid that behavior.
The only reason I even bring it up is because of my mantra throughout this process, and my own self esteem issues. First off, from the beginning I have set myself minor goals while always having a finish line in mind. What I mean by that is, that I would tell myself “Boy I weigh “X” and when I get to “Y” that will be a big accomplishment.” In that equation Z is always my goal, but Z being something I wont reach for months, I need short term goals to make it feel worthwhile. When I hit that Y goal, I would indulge in a moment of victory and almost immediately think to myself “well that was pretty good, but really I haven’t accomplished anything until I get to (insert my new goal).” The thing I am faced with now is that my new goal is Z. My last goal. What’s more is that I don’t really know exactly what weight that should be.
The second thing that goes into this is my self esteem. Which is to say, my lack of it. Throughout the process I know that I am looking better, feeling better, and getting healthier week after week, but I still see the same old me in the mirror. I drive my wife half crazy asking if I am still looking ok, or if she things I put some weight back on. Essentially, I am physically shedding the bad parts of my body, but the mental parts aren’t leaving quite as fast. Slowly I am starting to gain some confidence with the changes I am making, but the mental game is not keeping pace with the physical. More than anything, more than hitting my goal weight, or fitting snugly into the bmi, I want to feel comfortable. I don’t want what other people are thinking about me or my body to even cross my mind. I want to get to a place where others opinions of my body never even enter my brain. To get there I have to first have to get comfortable with myself. I have been husky, fat, or obese as long as I can remember, taking my view of my own body out of that frame of reference is a lot harder than I thought.
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