32. All Over the Place

Prior to writing this I think it is important to let you know that I am making no effort to focus. Typically I go into a post with some particular idea in mind and try to break it down. Even then I end up far from my original points, in this post I have no real point to drive to. I will in fact probably talk about a variety of things I have already talked about, things that mean nothing to anyone but me, or whatever else jumps into my head. I have had a very stressful 3 months and I don’t really feel the need to focus right now. So read on if you’re interested, but I am not sure you’ll kick yourself later if you miss this one.

My current work is extremely stressful lately. It is one of those jobs that has good months and bad, and it is nearly impossible to predict when you are going to have a slow month. I have managed to string almost of quarter of scrapping by together. I don’t mean that I am in danger of being fired to the best of my knowledge, or even that at the end of the month we are in serious danger of not paying our bills, but it keeps being one of those things that makes you wipe the sweat from your brow and say “that was a little too close.” I don’t like to make all my business happen with a week left in a month, it cuts into my sleep. It cuts into my patience. It generally turns me into a short tempered idiot, which as I am have mentioned is something I am working hard not to be anymore. I also tend to make rash and stupid decisions.

Just this week I was panicking about how slow December has been, and is a fit of frustration driven bad decision making I bought a bag of spree’s and ate it. Now some of you are thinking it’s bad because I broke my calorie goals, not so. The entire bag was 550 calories and I just had to not each lunch, and have a slightly smaller dinner…. However, it is important to note that I have not had that much sugar in one sitting for over 5 months. I started feeling sick about half way through the bag, but because I was angry and frustrated I force fed myself the remainder. I lasted about 20 minutes, then promptly emptied the bag back out, along with my breakfast, and had trouble keeping food down the rest of the day. Smart huh?
I get like that. Every single time things are going horrible wrong I get that way. I stay strong for a time, praying and saying how things will work out. Then time passes. Then more, and before I know it panic is bouncing back and forth in my brain like a game of Chinese ping pong. I lose it, and do something gloriously stupid. Sometimes it’s eating a bag of candy, sometimes it’s running till blisters burst on my feet (something that is very hard to do at this point), and it all goes back to faith. Sometimes I think you’d have trouble filling a Dixie cup with mine. It’s something I am working on, and I feel like a make it a little further every month before I panic, but so far I have broken every single time.

What’s more is that when I brake it is almost always a day or two later when everything turns, and the pieces fall into place and my family is provided for, for another month. After a few years of this you would think I would be able to have a little trust that things would work out if I just put my head down and kept working to the best of my ability. You would think that, but you’d be wrong. I think part of what makes the idea of faith some impossibly hard for me is its very nature. When it comes to the changes I have made to my body I needed to make myself aware and accountable, so I could take control and I could make the changes. I used “I” four times in the previous sentence. When it comes to faith what I was taught and continue to learn is that you have to give up that control, hand the reigns of your life over and trust that things are going to be ok, and not just ok but things are going to be good. It is a hard thing for me to understand.

This is how the typical cycle goes for me. 1st of the month, “ok God, I have faith that you will provide for me and my family, I am going to go out there and make the most of everything you provide.” 10th of the month, “still holding strong God, but maybe it’s about time you make something happen.” 20th “alright I’m driving, not sure what’s going on, maybe I did something wrong but I’ll handle this, we’ll try again next month.” A day or two later, “well… I did it again, I lost my mind, lost faith, and was proved wrong.” I want to be stronger than that, but that is the truth. I make it almost to the point where things work out and fall flat on my spiritual face. I’m young. I’m weak, but I am trying very hard to learn and grow. I need to be strong, I want my child to see a man whose faith is a rock, who knows without flinching that he and his family are well provided for.

I don’t know what kind of man I am. I know what kind I want to be, and that that person and the person I am now are not the same. What gives me hope is that I know who I am today is closer to who I want to be than who I was 6 months ago, and that has to be a good thing doesn’t it?