I think I’ll combine two instances I remember clearly here because they both occurred during my sophomore or junior year of highschool, but combined to take me from self conscience to double taking at everyone who looked at me sideways and wondering how fat they thought I was. That’s right, not if they thought I was fat, but to what degree of fat I fell into for their particular sensibilities. I think it is important to note here that while I was in the on the thin line between Obese and Morbidly Obese according to the BMI, if you looked at me I don’t think you would have thought “Now that guy is Morbidly Obese.” To look at me I was fat, but I am one of those people who carry it remarkably well. So with that said I think that most of my assumptions about what people thought of me were primarily my own creations, but the two to follow did happen, and convinced me whenever I was looking someone else was sneaking a peek at my jelly rolls.
The first incident of confidence shattering involved a teacher embarrassing me in front of a lot of people including several girls I had a tentative thing for. I was part of MADD, or whatever its new acronym is now, essentially it was a student group against drunk driving so probably SADD, who knows, I don’t. Anyway, our group was in charge of setting up for the winter dance, so one day after school we all showed up with some other volunteers and the Spanish teacher (in charge of group) and began to decorate the gym in nothing but the classiest construction paper. It is hard for me to recall at this point exactly what I was wearing, but I know it was a t-shirt and pants/shorts/jeans, doesn’t really matter. What does matter is apparently this shirt came just to the edge of whatever fabric covered my lower half, so when I reached up to hold a banner in place while someone taped it, a portion of my stomach was exposed. This flaunting of flesh drew the attention of the Spanish teacher who said in a slightly louder than normal voice “Wanna do something about that Robert, no one wants to see you muffin top.” I stared at her and said something dismissive like “haha” or perhaps “wha” which she took as a misunderstanding on my part, not realizing I was hoping to side step the comment to avoid the crushing embarrassment I was feeling. So she decided to clarify the point by saying “We can all see your fat roll.” This drew the rest of the eyes in the room who had laughed off or ignored the first comment. I stood there silently while they finished taping the banner, my face beat red I am quite sure I tend to all but glow when embarrassed, then made sure the rest of the work kept me out of the gym or at least out of eye contact with anyone. I did not speak to anyone the rest of that afternoon.
Being older, and having somewhat thicker skin and a sharper tongue I would’ve shot back or just ignored it now. At that time though it was bad enough that I didn’t want to go back to school the next day, and came up with excuses to never go to another decorating session. It was also very hard to talk to anyone I knew for sure heard all that because when I did talk to them all I could think about was them thinking about my fat roll.
The second thing wasn’t as devastating, it was more a shot across the bow from another kid my age for no apparent reason. I was part of theater for the majority of my highschool career and part of that was coming in on Saturdays to build the set. I enjoyed this more than any other part of theater because I knew more about building than most of the other people so I got take more of a lead role. I don’t know why but I was big on wearing tank tops in public, I am sure I thought I looked strong, at least until this morning, it retrospect I probably just looked like a nerdy theater kid who thought he was tough. I was walking down to the auditorium with the a few friends, a mix of girls and guys, when one of the smaller guys got up next to me and turned to one of the other guys and said “I don’t know why Bob (they called me bob) wears wife beaters (they called them wife beaters) he’s not strong enough for that, he’s actually pretty doughy.” Again for a self conscious kid this was a devastator. I made the mistake of confronting him right there giving him the opening to refer to me as husky, it made the girls laugh, at which point I think I shoved the kid, which led to more laughter. If you want to feel small have someone half your size insult the one thing your most sensitive about in front of a group of people you want to like you, then stick up for yourself and listen to them all laugh at you. This is one of those things I buried deep because it still makes me mad how stupid and helpless I felt. Not to mention fat.
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