powerless

I have been doing a lot of reading on food addiction, and overeaters anonymous, and there is a certain sentiment that pervades the thought process behind the support groups. The fix for the problem varies from something that looks like a buddy system to putting in the hands of your chosen god, but the core concept they all agree on is that you (the overeater) are completely powerless over your addiction. I don’t know how I feel about that.

I went onto their site several months ago and they have you run down a list of 12 things that you are supposed to answer yes or no if they describe you. When I finished I figured I might be close but must not be an overeater because I only answered yes to 10 of them. Then I read the next paragraph where they say if you answered yes to 3 or more you could likely be an overeater. Imagine my surprise. Though really I should have seen that coming, I know what I am, I know what my weakness is, but I am not now, nor have I ever been comfortable with the idea of being powerless over myself. I know I can’t control anything outside of myself, but I will not let myself get out of control.

What sucks about this situation is that I analyze what my mind set is throughout, and it occurs to me that I would be the first to say “I can stop eating whenever I want.” Which sounds an awful lot like the redirect of an addict in denial, but the truth is (ask my wife) that I am well aware of my lack of ability to stop eating something once I start. There is an OCD left over  in me that will not be satisfied if I leave a container of food unfinished. As I sit here writing this I can not stop thinking about the piece of pizza left in the box downstairs. I don’t want to eat it mind you, I am full, but I cant stop thinking about it. Crazy right? But that’s how it is with me. You give me a back of sour patch kids and I will eat till my tongue is torn up from the sugar, and then keep going until that bag is empty because if I don’t it will be all I think about until it is gone, even if I don’t want it.

That all sounds like I am powerless right? Well maybe, but I don’t believe that, if I did I would just keep eating and not fight it. I’m not saying I don’t draw strength from other people or my faith, but I like to take an active role in my life too. So I try to only by things in serving sizes that fit in my consumption requirements. Or get the kind of thing that I can’t it enough of to break down those goals. It makes things harder, but I am not going to let some obsession condemn me. I wont refuse help or deny the need for it, but neither will I just say I can’t do it, and let someone else pull me out of my problems.