Another story from the high school years has been banging around my head the last few weeks and I figured I might as well put it down here, or else keep dealing with past embarrassments. This one spans my late sophomore through my senior year and the main problem with this incident was finding anyway to avoid my peer group seeing me without a shirt on.
A girl that went to the school in my front yard decided to start throwing parties about the time we all got drivers licenses and much to my dismay she lived at the local lake community, water side no less. This sucked because what it meant was that any party that took place between the months of may through September would most likely involve swimming. I actually love swimming, I really like being in the water, always have, but I hate taking my shirt off. Due to the myriad of issues I have discussed before this was not something I would do willingly. So I had a wide variety of plans and excuses to avoid this. That is why I tended to have a injury that I was unwilling to show anyone occur shortly before these get together so I couldn’t get into the lake. I would frequently show up late, sometimes waiting till they were midway into whatever movie they picked that night just to avoid the lake. Sometimes I just wouldn’t show up at all.
The reason I bring all this up and why it has been kicking around my head lately isn’t because this was particularly hard on me, but rather because of two things. The first is that it illustrates how I frequently limited my social interaction and fun because of weight, the second is regarding another person who also went to these parties and had a blast.
To the first thing, it is really stupid how much even I wouldn’t do just because I assumed all eyes were on me because I was what could be called husky at that age. Not even close to as bad as I got in recent years, not really that bad at all looking back, but it stopped me at so many corners from having the fun I really wanted to and doing a lot of things I would have otherwise enjoyed.
The second things really ties in with the first. There was another guy that came to almost all these things and he was quite a bit chubbier than me at the time. However, he had absolutely no reservation about losing the shirt and diving right in. Enjoying the party from start to finish. He in fact never had reservations, if it was a game of shirts and skins I dreaded the later, but this guy didn’t bat an eye. He knew he was a bit on the heavy side (he wasn’t fat, neither was I at the time, but chubby for sure), but it just didn’t interfere in his life.
This is the real problem anyone with weight issues has to deal with. This is what I believe has more to do with my steady weight gain than almost any other factor. The mental muck up this causes can range from a stumbling block to a solid wall, preventing me from living my life, which lands me alone at home, sitting around and heading for some kind of food to comfort my frustration at not being part of anything. If I had a free pass to change something about myself, I wouldn’t speed up my metabolism, I wouldn’t ensure that my muscle remained rock hard forever, I would kill the part of my brain that made me believe that everyone in a room was starring and scrutinizing me. Pretty self centered mindset when you think about it.
I am not in the shape I really want to be in yet, I haven’t hit my goals, but I have come a good way towards them, and what I am learning is that losing weight has nothing to do with this part of my brain. I still assume everyone is looking at the fatty (IE ME), I am terrified of anyone catching a glimpse of me with my shirt off, which is the reason why I run almost exclusively at night or have to put medical tape on my nipples (prevents chaffing on distance runs) when removing my shirt would be much simpler and far more effective. The truth is there are a few people out there who would notice my not completely fit body, most likely people like me who fixate on body image, but they would forget it just as fast. The truth is my mind is the only thing really holding me back.
About a week ago I went to a waterpark with my family, this is a big fear of mine. I can never decide what is more embarrassing, going shirtless or being the dude with the shirt on in the pool that lets everyone know you’re to embarrassed to take it off. What I decided was that it was going to have work the same way as controlling my eating habits and work out habits, to make any kind of meaningful change I was simply going to have to change. So me and my farmers tan went for a walk. The first ten minutes on the lazy river with my wife and baby nearly gave me an anxiety attack, but slowly I realized that I didn’t really care of someone whose figure wasn’t exactly perfect went around in a speedo, then I needed to just enjoy my time with my family. I never got comfortable exactly, but I did have fun, and managed some time in the wave pool and a ride or two with the wife, shirt not included.
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