Yet again a short convo with a friend of mine brings something to the front of my mind that I have left out, but when I think on it has a huge impact on what I am doing. When I spoke with her last she brought up being jealous of certain things that other people were able to do and that weight seemed to prevent her from enjoying. When I stopped and thought on it for a bit it occurred to me that I have referenced it holding me back in many areas but hadn’t really explored the idea on its own thus far. I think a lot of it came out in the post regarding the swimming parties of my high school days, but there are a lot more recent examples that I think are more telling of the kind of walls you put up when you get uncomfortable in your own skin.
I think it’s important to make sure to spell out that I do not believe anyone was ever excluding me, or looking down on me, or showing me any sort of negativity because of my weight, I am in fact the only one who separates myself out. This past Christmas my immediate family got together for a few days. It was a lot of fun, we all hadn’t been together in a long time, and it was fun to get everyone together for once. I have always felt a little separate from everyone; it’s just part of my personality. I was a basement dwelling loner growing up, and that is still pretty prevalent in my personality, but I can’t help feeling like the odd one out when my Dad and brother’s in law are all in the same room. My dads in good shape, and my brother’s in law are both really skinny, even if I got rid of all my body fat I still think I’d be bigger than either, and while I don’t think the three think about it, I know I do whenever we’re all together. I feel like I’m that fat kid who the fit kids tolerate, but at the end of the day I’m not really part of the group, just the clown that’s tolerated for comic relief. I can guarantee none of them actually feel that way, but when you live so long looking in the mirror and not believing the person looking at you is who you really are this is part of it.
When the camera’s come out you feel obligated to be the clown (I would probably be the clown anyway but I would like the choice), or you just do whatever you can to escape the lens. When there is pretty much anything going on you’ll find a way to decline being involved because you don’t want to be the third wheel to their good time. In truth they probably actually want you around, but you can never just be comfortable.
On that note my friend mentioned something to me she noticed. I have/had a tendency to inject an unnecessary laugh after everything I say. From what I hear that has mostly stopped. Until she said it I had no idea, but once I was made aware, I in fact did not seem to need the little chuckle as a period to me sentences. I don’t think that is a product of being overweight, but a product of insecurity, which in my case stems from how uncomfortable I am in my body. With my continued efforts to lose the weight I am finding a noticeable increase in my confidence.
One thing I don’t do very much anymore is stack myself up agaisn’t every other man I know. At that same Christmas get together it occurred to me more than once that my wife was the one among the siblings who drew the short straw and got the fat spouse. I couldn’t help thinking she probably looks at my sisters and wonders why she got the guy who enjoyed cheeseburgers way more than a mountain bike. She wouldn’t think that way either, but you feel like you’ve let people down when you’re always letting yourself down. When you know you shouldn’t eat the large fry, but temptation wins out in the short term, and you feel like a slob in the long. So when you see how other people don’t seem to have a problem staying south of 200 you can’t help but be jealous. Whether that be of their confidence, bodies, lifestyle, or whatever doesn’t really matter. It’s just a symptom of knowing the person of in the mirror falls short of what you know you should be.
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